


Asymmetries of loss

by Plexus (toitsu)



Series: This charming man [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, Issues, Kinda, M/M, Not a Happy Story, deanoning, fill for a kink meme, modern day AU, wow everybody is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-26 15:31:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/967615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toitsu/pseuds/Plexus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>fill for a kink meme prompt (http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/2848.html?thread=3348768#cmt3348768)</p><p>Eren Yeagar is a problematic high school student who is faced with expulsion unless he enrolls into some kind of community service program. Since he is not that stupid, thank you very much, he decides to go with it. </p><p>The program he's enrolled into puts high schoolers to work in the homes of elderly and disabled people who don't have any family or friends, helping them with housekeeping, errands and suchlike. No big deal. He expects to end up cleaning house for some sweet little elderly lady with a lot of cats, or at worst a crotchety grandpa.</p><p>He doesn't expect Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asymmetries of loss

**Author's Note:**

> I loved the prompt from the moment I saw it and wanted to do it justice. Alas, I failed. I've been writing and rewriting this for three days and can't come up with better. I am sorry.

The Corporal has bad days, that much is obvious if one spends even five minutes in his company, but Eren has come to learn to tell the difference between a bad day and a  _bad_ day;  when it rains and his shoulder hurts; commending his brave service to the Queen and the country, or mentions of the war, and when it's summer. Eren has come to realise, that's when Levi is hurting the most; when it's hot and stifling and so very, very hard to breathe he shuts himself in the bedroom, a wet cloth over his eyes and curtains blocking the light; and it would be better, so much better if he would cry.  

  


But he never does.

  


Or maybe Eren just can't tell.

 

i.

_There he goes again._

  


Down on the floor, nose bloody, fingers possibly broken, can't he learn to control himself, what an angry beast this boy is, a ticking bomb, a train wreck waiting to happen; somebody do something before it's too late.

  


_What, again?_

  


_Third time today._

  


_That kid is dangerous._

  


And he is, Eren Jaeger is, dangerous for himself and for everybody else, except maybe for Armin and Mikasa, unless one counts as danger the number of times Mikasa has saved his ass, the way they look at him, half supportive and half disappointed,  _Eren, again, Eren, why?_

  


i.

He complies surprisingly easily with the ultimatum.

  


( _No,_ it has  _nothing_ to do with Mikasa glaring daggers at him, the traitor and the savior, and he really should stop, for her sake at least, because she will never leave his side and doesn't deserve to be dragged into the messes he creates.)

  


He doesn't actually want to cause problems, not consciously.  (But his temper is dangerous. Never mind that he is the one getting hurt most of the time. But there are things he can't ( _won't)_ stand, and bullying his best friend, well fucking shit, do you think he will just let it happen.) 

  


 (Or the comments about his  _mother._ )

  


( _Do you know what he did when he was nine years old? They should have locked him up right there and then._ )

  


Expulsion or community service program, the headmaster offers, voice very cold, eyes cold.  _Your choice._

  


( _Control yourself. Control yourself. You need to learn to control yourself, Eren, this is not healthy, maybe you should get some help?_ )

  


(Eren doesn't need help, he's perfectly fine, thank you very much, if only people would stop provoking him.)

  


 But he also really doesn't need an expulsion, he is aware that his future already looks pretty bleak, he will not benefit from lack of education - he knows, he is aware, he may not be the sharpest pencil in the box, he's certainly not as smart as Armin (but that's alright because nobody is as smart as Armin), but he is not stupid, either.

  


  _I'll do it,_ he says.

  


 i. 

He expects a frail grandma, an overweight drunkard grandpa, people in wheelchairs, maybe, people who need walking sticks, probably, people who might keel over any minute; blind people with their guide dogs. Deaf people?

  


But old people, mostly, that's what he prepares himself for, first as he enrolls into the program, and now as he follows Keith Shadis to the front door; grumpy people, or senile; who will either think him a delinquent or grandson; crazy cat ladies?

  


But what he sees two minutes later is this: an empty sleeve neatly pinned to the shirt, and a scowl on the face of a man who is like 4 or 5 inches shorter than him, a man who looks disturbingly young compared to Eren's expectations.

  


Shadis is doing the introductions but he doesn't really listen, shocked for reasons he can't quite comprehend, because this is the man who can't be older than what, forty? The man never once smiles.

 

  


i. 

So he stays for the first time, and the man doesn't bother with small talk, nothing, just shows Eren where the cleaning supplies are (a  _ridiculous_  amount of it; does anybody really  _need_  three different types of glass cleaner? Seriously?) and commands him to get to work; yes,  _commands_ , people don't normally tells someone to do something in that tone of voice; Eren almost yells  _yes sir_  instinctively, what is this guy, military?

  


Maybe, before. With that arm, now, definitely not. Eren tries not to stare.

  


 He works for almost six hours and only manages to clean up half of the house, with the man's insults raining left, right and center, and Eren snapping back.

  


(The place is not dirty, even, he has no idea what is he doing here, unless this is someone's idea of playing prank on him, a petty revenge for his misbehaviour, well fuck.)

  


(But the man has ridiculous demands all the same.)

  


(Who even cleans their attic unless they are moving?!)

  


And he  _did not_ miss any spots. What a freak.

  


When he returns home Mikasa has to act fast ( _Eren what's wrong Eren talk to me stop that!)_  to prevent him from demolishing half of the furniture out of frustration,  because even he has the decency not to hit the short, one-armed men.

  


(And it has  _nothing_ to do with the nagging feeling that this particular short, one-armed man would be capable of hitting back hard. There is something very cold in his eyes.)

  


The day after he goes to Shadis and asks to be given other assignment, hell he will even take two. He is quite proud of himself for not snapping when the man tells him to suck it up and deal with it, it's good for the character building.

  


i.

So he returns for the second time three days later, on a Saturday morning, mood already foul, because he is sure it will end in fistfight and bloodshed, doesn't matter who dies, but he will not tolerate that shit, no matter how many limbs the man may be missing. 

  


(It ends with a foot pressing his head to the floor, a promise of pain; him scrubbing the house top to bottom, even the parts he's already cleaned the previous time. It leaves him exhausted and a little light headed from all the noxious fumes of  the cleaning products, still leaves him angry and a little bit humiliated, beaten by a man both shorter and one-armed.)

  


(And a bit ashamed that he actually tried to fight an invalid, for fuck's sake, his mother must be rolling in her grave.)

  


(But then the man hums noncommittally, and pats his hair, as one would pat a dog who's learned his lesson and is now being rewarded.)

  


(He still calls Eren little shit.)

  


(But doesn't mention any missed spots.)

  


i. 

And then they settle into a routine; on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Saturdays Eren shows up, to clean the house and tend to the garden, whichever needs his attention the most, and the man (the Corporal, Eren has taken to calling him, a little bit out of spite and a little bit because calling him by his name or even last name sounds a bit too casual and the Corporal doesn't seem like a casual type, with his stiff posture and permanent scowl), the Corporal does whatever he does, he spends his time in the study and he writes, writes and throws away the crumpled papers, the trash bin is full to the brim.

  


(At first Eren can't even read the handwritting, thinks it's just for practice, the Corporal must have been right-handed.)

  


(Much, much later he will realise those were reports – all the reports he will never ever be able to submit to his superiors, not only because of his arm, but also because his squad, his squad is dead.)

  


i. 

His teachers are pleased, after a while, even if his grades somewhat suffer. The headmaster even tells him, if he continues like this, he may drop out of the community service program. Concentrate more on the studies.  _I'm proud of you, Eren. You've accomplished a lot in these past months._

  


Eren says nothing, because he is surprised with how much he actually  _doesn't_ want that to happen – because scrubbing the floors somehow calms him down; because he is not really that good with plants but the Corporal's garden doesn't look half bad and he is strangely pleased with that, because the Corporal sometimes ruffles his hair and makes them a tea and they sit on the porch and it doesn't feel bad, because he's growing to like the rude man and he thinks the Corporal might respect him, just a bit, for not running away yet.

  


(So he studies some more, Armin helping him.)

  


(And he still goes to the Corporal's house. Every day, almost.)

  


(Is it even about the expulsion and community service program anymore?)

  


(Because it's actually hard to hate the man who grimaces when it rains, who grips the shoulder, all that remains of his right arm, when it rains, who drinks his tea with more rum than water when it rains, who tells Eren to just sit somewhere quietly when it rains,  _do your homework, I don't care, just be quiet._

  


It's hard to hate the man who refuses to get into a car, a bus; who flinches at movie explosions and unexpected loud noises; who still calls him  _little shit_ and  _stupid brat,_ but makes it almost  _not_ sound like an insult.

  


It's hard to hate the man who, Eren has realised, is so terribly lonely, whose only company is a bratty reckless teenager with anger issues, twenty or so years younger; the man with cold eyes and stiff posture and no one to call him in the afternoons and visit him on weekends, a man with no one to care for and no one to care about him.)

  


(In fact, Eren finds it hard to  _not_  like the man a bit too much.)

  


i.

And then start the dreams. Of scars he's never seen but is sure must be there on the Corporal's body; of the thin mouth, that never smiling mouth.

  


The dreams of the sad, broken man alone in his house, in his bed. In his dreams, he changes that.

  


i.

The Corporal's house is awfully big, for just one person, and pretty empty, just practical furniture and no personal items – no photos, no trinkets people like to collect and display and sigh,  _oh, this was from my trip to Paris, this is from my cousin, he brought it from Greece; this is the picture of my older sister, younger brother, my parents, my best friend in the world, we've known each other since elementary school._ The Corporal has nothing like that.

  


He has plenty of books, though, in the study and the living room, books on various topics and in several languages, mostly in what Eren suspects is French, and the Corporal smirks when he hears Eren trying to pronounce the titles (but he also has quite a number of books in German, and the look of surprise on his face when Eren reveals to be perfectly proficient in it (it  _is_ his mother tongue, after all) is one of the sights Eren will never forget.)

  


He also keeps several dog tags in his bedside drawer.

  


He also punches Eren really, really hard (fuck, his nose is definitely broken) when he finds him sticking said nose where he really shouldn't. Where he really, really shouldn't.

  


_Get out, you little shit!_

  


Eren, smartly, does, but not before vowing never to return, he doesn't even know why he said that. But he did. The Corporal yells that it'll be for the best, if he never had to see the stupid brat's face again,  _get out you stupid bastard, just get out_ ; Eren has never seen him quite so angry before.

  


(For a split second those words hurt more than his broken nose, but then he is angrily storming out)

  


(The pain will creep back in later, uninvited and confusing.)

  


Mikasa is torn between fussing over him while they are stuck waiting in the hospital and hunting down the shit who did this to her brother; she had never really liked the man, from the moment Eren came back with a bruised face and started breaking things. He repeats,  _it's my fault, really, Mikasa, calm down, it was my own damn fault, I'm a fucking idiot._

  


Armin says nothing. He doesn't have to. (Eren already knows he kind of deserved this.)

  


(It doesn't hurt any less.)

  


(And he's not talking about his nose.)

  


i. 

_Erd Gin. Auruo Bossard. Petra Ral. Gunter Shulz._

  


None of those were the Corporal's dog tags.

  


(They haunt him in his dreams, the following days. Those names. None of them the Corporal's.)

  


(He dreams of the ways blood leaves the body, in thick pulsing jets; slowly pooling on the ground. Of faceless people, three men and one woman, bloody and broken and beyond recognition. Their dog tags.

  


He dreams of the Corporal's scowling face, of his fist. The bags under his eyes, and his missing arm, and cars.)

  


(He dreams of Mikasa, small and bound, on the floor. Of three men and a bloody knife and police sirens and his father. )

  


(Most of all, he dreams of his mother; her broken spine and the deranged laughter of her murderer.)

  


_Erd Gin. Auruo Bossard. Petra Ral. Gunter Shulz._

  


 i. 

He returns to the Corporal's house a week later, a box of cookies Sasha helped him bake in his hands - an apology gift? Does the Corporal even like cookies? – and this might not be the smartest idea he's ever had, his arm shakes a bit when he rings the doorbell, this will not end well.

  


(But he can't, can't stay away, not now, not anymore, because there is a man, there is this man who has no one else, he really really has no one else, Eren has his sister and his best friend and sort-of- friends in school, even his distant father – but the Corporal, no,  _Levi_ – Levi has no one but him.)

  


Levi says nothing when he opens the door. Doesn't even get the chance to, because Eren hugs him tightly and whispers he is sorry,  _I'm sorry, Levi, I'm sorry_ and Levi goes still with shock.

 

i. 

Things are tense for a while; Eren is so carefully trying not to overstep the boundaries, is as quiet as possible, Levi doesn't even seem to acknowledge his presence at all.

  


(It is suffocating, and he is restless, so restless – filled with a nervous energy he barely keeps in line - )

  


_They were my squad,_ Levi tells him when the dusk paints the world with the colours that have no name, and his voice breaks on the last word,  _they were my squad and they are all dead,_  he says and Eren is frozen on the spot, struck by the anguish in the voice;  _all dead._

  


(Later, later, somehow, Eren doesn't quite remember, they will end up in bed. Naked. Together. He will touch the scars, carefully, scars he has never been allowed to see before, will try to trace them with his lips but Levi will pull him up for a bruising kiss. Later, later, when they are naked in the bed, he will be nervous and Levi will know what he is doing; it will be a little awkward with their height difference and lack of an arm, but they will manage.

  


There will be pain, too. But also a promise of pleasure, maybe.)

  


(But that will be latter.)

  


Now, now, Levi talks. Says their names; adds two more. His friends.  _Hanji Zoe._ Missing in action for three years already. _Erwin Smith._ Captured and executed, seventeen months ago.

  


For now, Levi talks and talks.

  


i. 

Because being woken up by somebody literally kicking him out of the bed and muttering  _shit shit shit shit shit_ repeatedly under their breath is the very best kind of way of waking up, Eren doesn't think twice before he hits back.

  


i. 

Levi won't acknowledge him. Again. He ignores the buzzing of his cellphone (shit, it must be Mikasa) to stare at the older man.

  


And that. That is the problem _. Is it not? The age difference._

  


_But more than that the fact that you are underage, stupid, stupid brat, what the hell was I thinking?_ He sounds angry, but more than angry, he sounds tired.

  


There are marks left by Levi's teeth on Eren's body, the bruises on Levi's pale hips; and if they do not deal with this now, those things will fade in time, evidence of the mistake forever gone.

  


Eren will not let Levi think it was a mistake.

  


He roughly kisses him, holds his head so he can't jerk away, whispers  _it's fucked up, I know it's fucked up and you are a fucked up man and I am a brat with issues, but fuck, I love you and I know, I know it's fucked up but I still love you._

  


i. 

He doesn't want to tell Mikasa, and doesn't want to tell Armin, even, but it spills out of him, that and the tears, and for a while they just hold him, the three of them and the silent sanctuary of their friendship but Mikasa – dear, dear Mikasa – she has got that dangerous glint in her eyes, and  _oh shit,_ she is going to kill Levi, isn't she,  _Mikasa please don't hurt him!_

  


_It's just not – healthy,_ Armin tells him softly,  _a relationship like that, you know,_ and he  _fucking knows, all right, he fucking knows._

  


But he also knows Levi.

  


i. 

_Don't come any more,_ Levi fucking  _commands_  him through closed doors, in that flat military voice of his, the stupid fucker who obviously doesn't know Eren, after all this fucking time, and Eren is stubborn, so he pounds on the door and angrily promises something, and he can see in his mind the way Levi must have tensed, the way he is not breathing –  _now listen you, and listen well,_ he snarls,  _I will come back, when I'm old enough and you can't use it as an excuse anymore, I will come back to you. And you better be waiting, you stupid man._

  


i. 

Things are not easy after that, but days pass. Days pass. Days pass. There is pain. Somewhere there is Levi. Perhaps even waiting.

  


There is pain.

  


There will be more.

  


But there is also a promise of the future, with Levi, maybe.

  


Eren is willing to take his chances.


End file.
